These past months, there had been frequent calls of anguish that I tried to overcome. I’ll be rounding those significant months that pushed me through the depths of my chassis.
November 2007. The cold months had started. Actually, due to an inexplicable change of seasons, it was in fact, a rather hot November. School is still on going, which I had to give eighty percent of me. Arguments, a lot of arguments, for research titles, plans, gaming perks, and a lot of angst, were most likely, the value of the season. I’ve forgotten my schedule. My thirty-minute dividends were filled with do it’s but wait, let’s check this and that first.
Likewise, another inspiration, another prospect, yet another pulling ground. I knew doing so would distract me from my usual tardiness, but would affect me in every way I had imagined. The up-side is the longer I stayed that way, and yeah, with frequent smiles, small talks, and the plenty of signs, I knew I’ll survive.
I passed my first professional license exam from Microsoft also. Somehow, and maybe, a suffix in my name would be an ace for my forsaken career. Nine-fifty out of a thousand is not that bad, really.
December 2007. It was a pretty busy month with full of slack time. With December synonymous with
Theology was okay though I occasionally disprove my professor at the back of my mind because I thought otherwise. I tried to think deeply about his ideas, and I kept telling myself he’s right because it was the right thing to say after all. It made a rather dull complexion of my liberations, and the best thing to do is to keep myself sane, I mean awake.
Not-So-Math (Discreet Math) was complex. It was fun at first playing with the binary tables and logic gates but the post-topics are suicidal pyramids. But I admit I was confident with my logic, and maybe up to now. Contradictory, the last subject of my Monday and Wednesday schedule is completely a blackout. I understood some points, yeah, after reading my Course book but Querying Microsoft SQL is really something I should have put my time more. Database is really essential to our system.
My Tuesday and Thursday schedule is quite fun because of rather numerous slack times. World Literature is interesting, because I sat at the front, and most of the time we were the only ones listening, and talking, to my underrated professor though we’ve been stealing quite a lot of time chatting, and a lot of laughing at the front. Not to mention—well, it’s just that--
Our thesis would always be our thesis. Flash was quite interesting, some of my classmates told me my designs were really outstanding (okay, so a bit of exaggeration but it’s kind of true) which made me thought about shifting to Advertising because of my Flash commercials. My last subject, Web Development, was, okay, what I remembered was the typing jobs, and forced recitations, other than that, our customized blue books.
January 2008. So I’ve pretty much recapped what goes around in all of my classes. My holidays were over, and I can’t remember much of what happened, just, our holiday celebration with my high school best friends at Global, and rather, staying at our newly opened store which is a number of blocks away from home, which I didn’t knew then that it’ll be more like a summer prison.
A lot of rain doused half my school life, the other half was burning coal. Priorities, resolutions, and still, my inspiration clouded my mind. Going to school was much harder due to the frequent capture of greens that I had to take two rides, first was just as hot as hell, and the other was my reward for the first sacrifice.
February 2008. You can’t find love if you keep looking at the same place over and over again when all you can see is dust. It was one time at our Literature class when our professor asked us about our plans for the Valentines. Well, I shook my head. Knowing, someone would hear me saying “None” though it meant something like this: “Ask me out.” But life’s fair at that moment. From both parties the other was also a “None,” but somehow it meant “Single, and available, with exceptions.” I felt nauseated, verge in tears and laughter, because I knew what I wanted but it was something I’ll never find a way to have.
March 2008. I’ve expected the unexpected. The last part of school season was full of rush images. It was vague remembering all that has happened there were: leaving school when the lights are off, ups and downs, a lot of printing, and a hell of disappointments and ifs. But this is school life, there’s got to be a lot of these.
A lot of drama, new people, a lot of questions and dilemma, dialogue, and surrealism of love was in my mind. I knew it had to be true, for it’ll never haunt me like this until now.
April 2008. My last summer was summarized into one word: Acceptance. It was the first time I felt the truth was just my way of hiding things from others, so that they wouldn’t see, they’ll just believe, but that same idea slapped me. Something was not right that I expected flowers will grow from it, but I got weeds. I felt obstructed from the truth I was looking for. I lost my pride—was it good? I faced the other world, their satellite was God, but the goodness, was nonetheless, uninhabitable. I was lost from my own way of thinking that it was unfair, that it was not what I’ve planned, that it was too good to be a mistake, that it was crumbling, and that it was the greatest I gave. It was another blackout I had thought just existed in my SQL class but in real life it was a dirge of misery. I learned something I didn’t want to learn at all.
May 2008-present. It may be bad without a small pride that I have to cautiously raise its pillars to say that I’m doing something for myself. Time was just as demanding for some hours I need to stay at the store, doing nothing else but think. Thinking, for the first time, was something I need to evade, just as reminiscing. I was true, and that it was over. I did the right thing, not something I knew I’ll be happy of, because it didn’t, but something I thought I would never do for other people. I knew I was good, and I’ll do it again for the same reason I did it, for the love that’s true.
Hearing your mind, I know it was rather dark, or mushy, pertaining to the latter part but I was just actually being honest. A nice start is all that I have in mind for now. This time I’m getting ready for school again, hopefully, preparing our thesis, well, actually, blogging for now, but I’ll get the hang of it some time. Also, improvement, so I can feel good about being myself at times someone’s pulling me down.
