Just like before, I will be going through the months of my hiatus to make an account. This will cover the month of July last year to the present. A comment is not necessary. (I guess I'll be removing the comments some time in the future.)
July 2008. If I want to be healed, then I would be. It was the first time I realized that it wasn't impossible. Exhibit A (codename) was the first person to reach out. I didn't know Exhibit A. We were completely strangers until Exhibit A turned the tides. Of course there were still a lot of breakdowns because of my former, and I felt like losing myself. But as long as there were mornings, the hope of a new beginning did not fade. A new face--will Exhibit A change my life? Thanks for the warm smile, and the walk way home.
August 2008. School became so demanding, not to mention our extra curricular activities. Time's got harder to manage. We had our thesis for development and my computer didn't cooperate so well. There were still major and minor subjects. I already committed four absences and two late marks on PolSci at this month because (I'm going to admit it) I'm waiting for someone before I go to school. That extra-curricular is getting a bit rough that we failed to find time to fit it in our schedules. There was a lot of work and I seemed to squeeze in playing pRO just to forget that I'm still in love with my former--that we're not getting along pretty well and I'm losing hope so much considering another batch of breakdowns.
September 2008. Our efforts were needed to be judged. We held our first Broken Hearts Party with the high school gang and it was crazy, but it was very meaningful. My schedule was extended till Friday for the seminars held by the batch each week. We had our defense and it was tragic. Everyone kept saying that we're a big contender for the best thesis but unfortunately, we failed and sucked big time. Now I'm getting pretty depressed. The extra-curricular activity, which I called then as "work" started to fill my stress meters. I didn't know my grade in PolSci. The stuff with Exhibit A seemed to change--we were shallow, awkward, and, well I'm not pleased with my actions despite Exhibit A being nice and all, I was just shaky and ended up shut. I began to feel the trauma dealt by my uncompromising past.
October 2008. It's the last chance to make it right. Unfortunately, it was just another chance, and I have to let my chances go for Exhibit A this time. I began counting my mistakes and it was mile high and increasing. The team also had given up on our work because it's just not a match. The only good thing is that I passed all my subjects that semester, yes, with PolSci. The last weeks were pretty critical so I sacrificed my chances to see Exhibit A for my study life. It was the last weeks that I could be with Exhibit A, and I just held on to the thought that someday, we would meet again.
It was bad that I started not to love what I'm doing. I was all focused on getting an achievement or just to learn and pass but I realized that the stuff was just not for me. But it's too late to start again, and once more, I felt disconnected for a mistake I have to regret.
I lost my phone. The only thing I've thought about at the moment was the fact that I don't even considered memorizing my former's number. The things were starting to get clear, and I still fear to admit that everything between us, is and will definitely be gone, and I can't do anything more than accept my defeat.
I compared myself with my former. I'm completely a wreck. That's why they would not want me.
November 2008. If the heart didn't go well with what is planned, let it rest, and set your mind to work. It was another semester-my last semester as a student. I'm still counting my twenty-nine's and seventeen’s and I'm getting so tired. I know I had to let it go but my heart won't. I tried, deleted an account that were of relevance to us, leaving my messenger and another network and I knew that until my former's name still exists on those two, there would still be chilling nights but I ignored it completely. I was eager that we could still fix it as friends, but it was getting dense and awkwardly hurting even much painful as before.
December 2008. I started my on-the-job training and it was a suicide. My schedule was all messed up 'cause I can't consistently come to work and school and go home at the same time. The distances were killing me but surely that hellish exhaustion helped me to think less of my distress. There was no Exhibit A this time, just me, and my illusions that someone would come back but this last semester was just for me, just me alone. It was a time of thinking how and why a man could commit so many mistakes in life. I am getting wiser, yet, I am losing everything.
January 2009. It wasn’t a very happy new year, and I still can’t say that I’m happy. I burdened myself with so much work to say that I’m busy. I felt coldness in my heart, trapped with my anguish, living transparent in the present, and fearing the bitter end. I began to felt despised even if I tried not to look at it, it’s my reality. I’ve hidden scars and open wounds with smiles but I’ve guessed my eyes didn’t play the part, and so is my body turning thin. It was also the time I felt closer to God. Every Saturday I do volunteer in our church office as an assistant. Every meet was a different story. It was crazy but it was my other side. I am liberated but I am God-fearing. The experience was not just for requirement but I felt it was a different call.
February 2009. There was no twenty nine. It was a long wait that I had to endure. Finally we’ve finished training and I could rest longer. My church work also has finished. The submissions were rushed because of the graduation. I felt like a student again, and I couldn’t go back anymore. Our group in school started a move for redemption. We joined Imagine Cup hoping that we could win anyhow, or just, preserve a school culture. I wasn’t too excited about it, pertaining to my post about un-loving my work. I didn’t know what I wanted and it was so bad because this life would take another step ahead, and it would be tougher.
March 2009. I’ve got no more dreams. We got the grades and finally we were off to graduation. I knew I blew a lot of subjects in my college life and I don’t deserve an award. It wasn’t my goal but when I met my former, it was clear that I’ve got to meet my former’s standards but it was too late. On twenty nine a smile was left on my face. It was a relief that I won’t be counting the days anymore, and that finally, I moved on, or just happened to completely lost all hopes. No more expectations, yet love will stay longer to fade.
I’ll live a little more time for other people but living because of me is not really my preference, or maybe now’s not yet the time but I hope God would still give me that chance and courage to stay in the game. There will be new hopes and more crying. We deserve happiness for some time, though I don’t believe it to stay permanent. Sometimes we feel sad, miserable, and lose hope. It’s a cycle that keeps us sane. We have choices and we made mistakes. I made mistakes, but just because they always prevail doesn’t mean that it’ll be forever like that. My dreams did not come true, not one of them, but I’ve always wanted to be different, and that makes me persistent. I’m mad, crazy at times, doing things I would regret, but there’s nothing wrong in optimism in doing the good for a convenient cause. Life will always be bad, so I’ll be bad and good. My disadvantage is my advantage.
Edited: [1] Friday, May 1 at 11:00 PM
