The Ode of 29
March 29, 2010
It was once, I felt, one of those nerve-wracking days of my life, dwelling both in migraine and apathy, where I came into a deep thought.
Two years.
Does anyone know how to break it? When do you feel that it's time to go? What does the sky's color have anything to do with the clouds in your heart? How bad can things go without losing yourself?
I called someone in my mind but to no expense I still can't hear it. Maybe I just pushed them really hard. Maybe I was just as unreachable as I thought. Even destiny gave up on me. I did and still, I am pushing them away. Was the last one really that bad to break my capacity to trust?
I have had a lot of questions but since I ran away, I've left them. I wear off to answer. I lived with the simple things, the things I cannot have, the things I lived by are the things that still go. I promised not to own, anymore, nevertheless.
By the time I took a break, I was repeating these lines over and over, like a drug-dependent obsessive-compulsive, while holding a crumpled paper in my hand, "I'M HURTING ALL OVER, AND I'M HAPPY FOR YOU."
That one, can always, make or break.
Looking back for another day again, I am still that one who wears a smile. I haven't got much courage to change what makes me invulnerable. I learned the lesson for two years: never let them have you if they would not want you anyway.
Someone did asked me, "Is that why it's so hard for you to trust?" Perhaps, yes. A lot of times, the people you trust the most are the same ones who can pull you down really low, insane, and deliberately blatant.
And they are right, all you got is you.
One Year and twelve months.
Twenty four months.
I straightened out that paper. I remember someone instructing me to crumple a paper with your hand at your back whenever you feel nervy. In life you cannot do it all the time. It's best to be brave at some point, fall back again, and you still have you. This was different. I read what was fading, "I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I'M HURTING ALL OVER."
We need someone.
Someone to love-
and love you in return.
And sometimes,
you'll just crossed paths,
and you'll never meet again,
for all of your life.
